Tip #19 The nagging feeling

One of the problems that many people face when dating or are in a relationship is that they are looking for the wrong type of love. The type of love that Hollywood sells. You meet “the ONE” and everything is perfect. You will never have any doubts for one second  and everyone else in the world does not exist. Needless to say that this is part of the unrealistic expectations that other people and WE put on ourselves.

Have you ever wondered, how it would feel like to find “the ONE”?  Maybe you think that because you feel the anxiety and question everything,  then the person you are with is not “the ONE”…and that if you just meet “the ONE”, you will have no more anxiety and the questioning will stop.

Now ask yourself this question: “How many people have found “the ONE”, only to split up a few months later? Had a dream wedding and relationship only to be divorced soon after?” Yes, just look at any Hollywood tabloid paper…

So relying on a feeling of “rightness” to make a good choice is not the best strategy.Especially, when we know that people with OCD are driven by this feeling of something not being quite right. Remember that OCD person that washes their hands 50 times a day because something is just not right?

The cause of this is in our brains. That “not quite right” feeling or that something is wrong. The uneasiness that we cannot explain. The answer that we must constantly find and validate.Then in order to relieve this feeling we develop compulsions. Most common being the CHECKING compulsion. Checking your feelings constantly. The irony here is that the more you check the less you will feel. The more you pay attention to the nagging the more nagging you will get. It is like an hunger that can never be satisfied. I guess that is why there is an “O” that stands for obsession in ROCD.

Once you learn to let go of control, things will start to get better.So, there is two parts in getting better:

  1. Learn to mindfully ignore this nagging feeling which in turn will decrease over time
  2. Transform your relationship from “feelings” based to a value based relationship
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8 comments

  1. That’s a very interesting point you made about “Transform your relationship from “feelings” based to a value based relationship”

    How would I go about this? Cause I tend to focus too much on my feelings and emotions, for example if something doesn’t feel “right” inside I will not “act right”, if I feel unhappy due to my anxiety then I will be unhappy etc.
    I want to learn how to control this because it causes a lot of fights between my boyfriend and I. ROCD has really messed with my feelings so it’s hard not to focus on them.

    Also if I try to do the opposite of what my anxiety tells me(ex.unhappy feelings=unhappy mood, not right feeling =not acting like myself) it feels fake to do the opposite. Do you suggest doing it anyways and is it normal for it to feel fake?

    1. Hi there are two things that you can do:

      1) Do not wait to feel right to act right. Acting right should come from what you know is the right thing to do. This should not depend on feelings.

      2) Give up wanting to control your emotions and feelings. You cannot control these.

      It can feel fake if you base things on feelings and emotions solely. But if you base it on values it won’t be fake. Feeling fake and being fake are two different things.

      1. I see what you mean. It’s the difference between doing something to make your partner happy despite all the back chat in your head and doing something to make your partner happy just because. We all need to live in the present and trust ourselves we wouldn’t be with our partners if we didn’t want to be. But am wondering the negative back chat that happens for example my daughter saying that’s boring and an intrusive thought that goes thru my head “yes just like your father” I just need to tolerate that. Running away seems so simple sometimes.

      2. Yes, the trick is to not to get involved with the thought…those type of thoughts appear because you do not want them there in the first place…the subconscious is very tricky!

  2. When I’m struggling with a lot of anxiety and fear, my version of moving to a values based relationship, is trying to take the emotions out of the relationship and considering the relationship as though it’s an arranged marriage/relationship. I try to focus on the commitment to making it work with the other person. Of course my OCD kicks in and says, “but wait, you can’t do this, what about loving them” But any other suggestions for moving towards a value based relationship and having the confidence that it will work?

    1. Hi again Daniel,

      It is tough to not be sucked into ROCD. You only need to make a decision once and stick to it. Justifying your decision as you now found out will also fuel ROCD and the “what if” thinking. You should not be looking for certainty either. What will be will be. The more certainty you will establish, the more wood it will be there to burn. It is more about what you want than what you feel.

  3. I’ve been ROCD free for the past couple of months (absolute bliss) and now because Im in the process of changing careers, my anxiety has triggered my ROCD big time. I recognize that and am able to see the cause and effect but its these freaken thoughts! My boyfriend is very loving but can be very pessimistic. It is his nature. He always looks at the downside. Its something I can usually handle but now my ROCD is focusing on that, telling me “Do you really want to be with someone who is ALWAYS negative?” “Can you live with that forever?” I see that my ROCD is choosing this flaw to attack… I see that. However, (here’s my what if), this is a legitimate question and problem. I feel like its both ROCD AND really bothering me. But since I’ve labeled it as an ROCD obsession (cause it is causing me distress, nightmares, obsessing online), I don’t know how to handle it. I cant tell if its just ROCD. I want to try the value based perspective but I am such a feeling-focused person I don’t know how to go about it. Please help.

    1. Just label it as an OCD feeling and let go of the rest!
      If it is really bothering you, talk about it to your bf and tell him what it does to you. Try to accept the fact you can not change him

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