Negative behaviour #2

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First of all, I would like to congratulate all of those who have made some improvement in regards to their rOCD. I have been getting a lot of e-mails lately about people that apply some of the principles in this blog and to a lesser or bigger extent have moved a little bit forward. This motivates me to keep on running this blog.

This blog is not meant to give all the answers to rOCD questions but to share some principles that will help people in their rOCD journey. I do not have all the answers or principles either. But I can see when wrong principles are being applied.I receive a lot of e-mails from people around the world and I spent on most days 1-2 hours everyday answering people’s questions or doing Skype with them. A common theme seems to be reoccurring though.

This common theme is that of spending a lot of time online trying to solve the “rOCD riddle” – people do two things:

No.1 Googling symptoms such as “do I really love my partner” “how to know that you have fallen out of love” etc etc

No.2 Sharing their personal experiences in forums or Facebook groups, “trading spikes” e.g. “this what makes me spike and what about you?”, cross-matching symptoms, etc, etc.

Treating rOCD like a card game where you trade Pokemons (spikes, symptoms) or expecting Google to sort them out. Like there is a magic answer. There is no magic answer. There are only two things in these places – people trying to push their own Hollywood philosophy of what love is (most of these people giving advice are relationship “experts”) and other rOCD sufferers looking for reassurance.

The only thing worst than this for your recovery is rumination – Negative behaviour #1.

I can see the benefit of getting together with other rOCD sufferers and sharing coping strategies, positive behaviours and positive experiences with OCD treatments. If you are going to share something share positive things.Use the 1/99 rule. Spend 1% of the time talking about the problem and 99% of the time talking about solutions. Don’t feed your own reassurance monster or other people’s reassurance monster. You are better off doing a mindfulness exercise in the 20 minutes that you spend doing this.

Like I said in the beginning. I do not have all the answers but I do have the answer for this one. This is definitely something that you should NOT  do.

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12 comments

  1. Thanks again for a great post!

    I seem to have an extremely compulsion to go to the sites and share experiences.It makes me feel so much better.I know that it doesn’t help for long-term but why its especially harmfull for ocd?

    1. Hi rosie,

      Because it is just another form of reassurance and rumination. Exactly the two behaviours that we do not want to engage in!

  2. First I would like to thank you so much for this blog, as it has helped me recognize my problem.
    Lately, though, I’ve been feeling worse. In the beginning it was the obsessive thoughts, constantly. Once I realized I had ROCD they almost completely disappeared for a few weeks, they were barely there. Now all of a sudden my ROCD has come back, hitting me harder than ever before. I feel so week, and now lately I always feel anxious, I feel now as thought the relationship is wrong, that I don’t love him, that I shouldn’t be with him, and it’s becoming to where I get this bad feeling inside and my face gets all hot and I get really scared or something, the only time I didn’t feel much of that was when we got into a really bad fight, and I was scared I would lose him. I knew I don’t want to lose him, and that I love him, but now thise feeling is back again. Is this normal? It’s very scary and I know I love him very much but now I feel as though I don’t, and it scares me. I’m sorry this is long but I’d really appreciate if you’d share your thoughts on this. Thank you again.

    1. Hi Vanora. I know it is hard but it is possible to move forward. I will write a post covering all your questions – lately I had a lot of requests like yours and think other people would also benefit from the advice…

  3. Hi, I was wondering if I would be able to email you as I need advice on my ocd situation. I have been feeling terrible te last 2 days and I really do not know if it is OCD or if I am actually falling out of love and/or unhappy in my relationship. Any advice or help would be much appreciated.

  4. Hi, could i please contact your email? as i need guidance and help on my current situation with my rOCD. It lately feels as if I feel NOTHING for my girlfriend without forcing it and lately I am just not happy in my relationship anymore. I have noticed that I have stopped noticing the positives but now I feel as if I want to end my relationship, but deep down that still saddens me. C

  5. Hi guys, just a thank you for everyone’s honesty on this site it gives me great strength to identify with others and know I am not alone with this disorder. Just a question which may be obvious, but does anyone else find themselves easily irritable and frustrated with their partner too? I suppose when there is an underlying fear anger/irritation is never far away. But just something which has been bothering me lately.

    1. Yes constantly, I’m really glad to see you post this haha, it’s really relieving to know that this isn’t me getting fed up with everything including my partner. Something that I discovered by reading Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly (which I highly highly recommend) is that your brain is producing the negative thoughts, and as such it knows exactly where to hit and what to say to be the most effective. This is something that really has been helping me to ward off rOCD anxieties.

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