Winding down…

Living with rOCD is very difficult. But it becomes easier over time if we adopt the right behaviours, mindsets and attitudes. We also should hang on to whatever positive things we have in our lives – our faith, friends, hope, etc. I am glad that I made the decision to stick it out, look for help and above all, take the necessary steps to change – stop thinking and start acting. Today, I can say that I am a rich person (not in monetary terms!). I love my wife very much and last Friday, I was blessed with a little boy. My personal belief is that if I can do it, everyone can do it…

So, I will be winding down on the blog to take care of my family. Next time you will hear from me, it will be about an rOCD book that I have been working on. This is the tentative structure:

Part A – Understanding ROCD

Part B -Q&A – based on questions that I get from different people

Part C – Common errors and misconceptions

Part D – recommended resources

If you would like me to address specific issues please leave a note below!


  1. Look forward to seeing this book 🙂 It is very hard to live with ROCD, but I’ve found this blog very encouraging and helpful. It never wallows, as it is so easy to do, but tells us to act, to work on it, and to an extent accept how things are. I wish there was a magical cure for it all, but at least I have really taken to heart some words you wrote once: that you have to make it work for you, use it as a force for good, in that you have to work so much harder than others, and that can give you an advantage over other couples. I find my relationship with my husband is so precious because of how hard we have had to work together. I don’t always know how we survived dating and got to this point, but instead of looking back in regret, I try to see the very difficult times where my now-husband stuck by me, talked me through things, faithfully walked around the block a half dozen times until the “storm” had passed. I fell in love with some things: with a really great friendship, talking about music, and things like that, but i stayed in love with his loyalty, patience, and unfailing faith in me. If anything, ROCD has proved itself wrong over time, instead my husband, as if refined by fire, has become a very extraordinary person. I wish everyone knew how wonderful he is.
    Good luck with the book!

  2. I just wanted to say I’ve been following this blog for about a year now and it has helped me so much, so I am so happy for you and your wife! It takes immense strength and sense of self to come through fear, which is what takes hold of all of us rOCDers. You deserve this happiness and have worked so hard for it! And what you’ve done for all of us is amazing, so thank you.

    I have been through the worst of this disorder, and I am finally coming through into the light. What I have learned on this journey is that fear is it’s basis and society tells us that if we experience fear and doubt, it must be wrong. That’s simply not true. It’s normal to feel doubt and fear and uncertainty, we’re transitioning as people and our lives are changing. Nothing is ever certain, and if you have a brain, you’re going to question your choices, it’s a normal human action that we shouldn’t punish ourselves for. Our minds are making subconscious associations with our doubt and what we’ve learned from society and past experiences that send us into anxiety episodes and we don’t know what to do because fear gains control.

    For me, it’s been a year long struggle. I met the love of my life, and everything was better than I had ever experienced, until one single thought sent me into a tailspin of fear and anxiety. I also didn’t realize that this happened during the holidays, which is a trigger for me subconsciously since I have dealt with death in my past and the initial question that started all of this was related to losing him. Since then I’ve tried a lot to overcome this. The one thing that has kept me going is my refusal to let this destroy my happiness and take away the love of my life. My partner has been strong and understanding and unconditionally loving through all of this, and I am so lucky not only to have him but also to realize that all it is is fear. It’s just fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the past repeating itself. Fear of death. Fear of losing control. Fear of losing him. Fear of being hurt again. Fear of trusting myself.

    Fast forward to today, I am still struggling a little bit, but getting better by leaps and bounds. I know that the future is not certain, and yes shit happens that we can’t control, but this is in our control. Getting better is in our control. Our choices are in our control. The rest, well it’s no use worrying over it, all that does is takes us away from the present, which is really all we have. Experiencing death has changed me in knowing that this precious person I love could be gone tomorrow, or a year from now, am I really going to waste my time with worrying over if he’s the “one” or if he’s going to somehow be taken from me? Because if I do I’m already losing the time we have to be happy together and am only hurting myself. I’ve had to trudge through my deepest fears and really confront them, and feel the pain and anxiety that’s been building up for years, leading me to this breakdown, and you know what? I’m so glad that I’m experiencing this because when I’ve come through it, I’m going to be better than I have ever been as a person and a partner and I will be able to experience joy more fully.

    I have not taken medication, I have been through therapists who have left me just purely frustated and feeling helpless. I have found that really listening to the fear and feeling it and addressing the underlying issue helps me the best. I have also implemented what I’ve learned from the books Brain Lock and Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts. I’ve also been using Rescue Remedy which was helped to calm my physical anxiety symptoms so I can put myself in a better place to mentally relabel my thoughts and label them what they are, OCD and fear. I know it is not my relationship that is wrong, because if I really allow myself to look despite the fear, I have been dealing with anxiety and OCD in other forms throughout my entire life. It’s time to work through it and get better people! Confront your fears, let yourself feel anxious, let it pass, let yourself look at things rationally so you can find the truth in all of this. This, this disorder is Hell. Let’s let ourselves be happy before we don’t have the privilege anymore. Think of the bigger picture. You have to walk through the darkness to fully appreciate the light.

    I know that we all can do this. Also, Sheryl Paul is a good resource as well. She’s developed a conscious transitions course to help people with experiences like this. Check her out on youtube or her website.

  3. Please address the how to on practical tips of mindfulness in your book. It is harder than they say in the self help books and online blogs. I am trying to get better but I guess make mistakes while applying these tips in everyday life with work and regular stress.

  4. Hello,
    I’m absolutely suffering right now from this. I feel like I’ve read all there is to read, and understand as much as I possibly can. The doubts are still there though, still traumatizing, still horrible and makes me so sad and anxious. I have just gotten engaged to the love of my life and I do not want this to ruin anything. We’ve been together for 6 years and I’m terrified I’m going to ruin the best thing of my life. I feel so much guilt and anxiety it’s awful. Currently seeing a therapist which helps a little, and waiting for the medication to fully kick in (I’ve been on it for about 3 weeks). I know you’re winidng down, and I have found some relief reading your blog, but would you please e-mail me? I’d be so thankful.

    So glad to read there is hope.

  5. Amazing blog. I just want to know if Its normal to think “do i really want The relationship to work out or Am i just afraid to see The truth”? And sometimes when i see my boyfriend i feel like Nothing happened but after a while i start checkend Myself again….. Someone recognize this? Thank you so Much

  6. Thank you so much for this blog. I have had OCD and anxiety forever!! I’m 44 now I think I have ROCD over my husband of 20 years. Do you think thar is possible? I think weird things like I even look at people’s fingers to see if they are married or not!!

  7. Hi, I also want to thank everybody who has contributed to this blog, the strength I get from identifying with others, and knowing this is an Illness and not my partners lack of attributes physical or mental or emotional. After some failed relationships in my teens, which until recently I didn’t understand, how traumatic these relationships ending had on me. For years I avoided relationships, taking refuge in 1 night stands, drinking etc. All these behaviours covering this hole in my soul, from bouts of depression, ocd. This went on for 17 years. Then a break up when I was 30 was the final straw. I had one of many rock bottoms. In recent years I’ve slowly fought my way back from this state in my life, with lots of pain and learning on the way. I get great help from other help groups, but this website seems to nail down exactly my thinking and behaviours . In the past two years I have fought through severe anxiety in a relationship, to where I am now married and have a 9 month old son, I love my wife and I love son deeply. I also am still effected by rOCD on many occasions, and only recently have gone through a bout of anxiety, doubt, depression and fear over whether I’m better off alone(lonely) or in a relationship and (anxious). Today I feel good and I am happy to be in a relationship and with using some of the tools I have found in this website I hope to continue to improve on a daily basis. Thank you for all your advice, stories and courage.

  8. Have you addressed the issue of “not missing” your loved one…being panicked knowing you have to see them? You said you used to feel that way. My son just got engaged….knows he has rOCD,..and is in agony over these thoughts and so many others. He is afraid once he gets married he will still not want to see her. You mentioned you had this same problem. How did you get over that?

    Also, another huge obsession is always thinking she is making fun of him or thinking he’s stupid. How can I teach him to deal with that? I have OCD myself and we have gone through a lot of therapy over the years (all of his therapists have washed their hands of him) and I know it’s his OCD blowing everything out of proportion. I know he knows that deep down, but he can’t seem to stop his mental checking to see if what she says is mean or not. Any suggestions on any skills I can teach him?


    1. Hi, I would say look very closely to reassurance. He shouldn’t be engaging with these thoughts. The more you fight it the stronger it can become. Adopt a more mindfulness approach. Not fighting does not mean we accept it as true!

  9. First of all, congratulations for your little family. My english is not very well, but I will try it. I have a question: has the pregnancy of your woman’s symptoms worsened? the second question is: how long does an attack on you? I’ve noticed that bad phase maximum 4 days, then I’m back to “normal”. I am now almost 2 years with my girlfriend and me together afflict the symptoms since the beginning of the relationship. I’m glad to have found this blog!

    1. Not sure to whom the question is addressed to…I guess it must be for me…anyway my rOCD is pretty much under control now and I do not remember having a bad day for a long time!

  10. Hi,

    I stuumbled upon your blog today and this made me realize that i have rOCD. I was beginning to think that im obsessed with my boyfriend.. I wanted to always be with him, i contastantly doubt his actions, im always checking his phone, web history and i want to know all his whereabouts.. where he went, who he’s with, what time he left his house, what time he went home.. who is he texting.. who is he talking over the phone..

    Well, i caught him cheating multiple times before.. He’s entertaining Online hookers.. Wherein you pay to get laid sort of thing? I caught him setting a schedule to one of the online prostitute.. not once,not twice but couple of times. Though he said he never really went to those “schedules” and he was just making fun of them.

    Then the sex stops.. we dont have intimate moments that much anymore not unlike before. That’s when i stated doubting him so much. And maybe that’s the reason why this led to me having rOCD.

    We talked things out numerous times.. I tend to break up with him EVERYWEEK! but we are always getting back together after. It seems that i can’t break up with him. I cant do it. I love him so much that im depressed about it. I really dont know what to do..

    Please help.

    1. Hi Elle,

      I think that even before you start attempting to sort out rOCD, there is the issue of respect that comes first. A healthy relationship is built on respect first and foremost. Once there is cheating involved, the respect is gone. Imho this is what you need to address first.

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