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Open question/suggestions

Hi everyone,

It has been a while since I last posted here. As always I try not to overload this blog with information and I rather focus on quality rather than quantity.

As a move towards quality, I am trying to assess potential interest from people in relation to an online course/toolbox for dealing with rOCD. As I understand it, some people, prefer the interaction and would benefit from a daily reminder/follow up that would put them on the right track. This is how I think it could look like:

1) 4-12 week course

2) links to videos and other content

3) weekly/daily homework

4) tracking/feedback forms or reports

5) support forum (where people share strategies not problems 🙂

 

This would require an investment of time and money from me as I would have to create new content, migrate this blog to another server and buy the necessary software/plugins to run this course/training. As much as I would like to present this resource as free, it will be impossible for me to do so. However, I still think that this could be done at a very reasonable price (maybe a a one time off fee of 30-50 dollars).

 

I would love to hear your views on this and maybe other things that you would like to see in an online “course”.

 

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Accepting OCD

Hi everyone,

As always I am trying to cover subjects that I did not think about covering in previous posts. And sometimes the shortest posts are the best 🙂

Going back a few years, at the height of my OCD problems, one of the hardest things for me was accepting that I had OCD. I went through analysing feelings to point of exhaustion. Asking myself why I was asking questions. Maybe this is a “sign” that something is wrong. The light at the end of the tunnel came when I realised two things:

1) I could not “switch off” these thoughts easily and they were creating great anxiety. Surely this wasn’t normal ???!!!!

2) EVERYTIME, I thought I had found an answer in my mind  and seemed to find some solace or peace for a few moments, the following thought was almost in every case  “what if “. It would take a few seconds, few minutes or a few hours but the “what if” was always there. My brain always managed to find a “what if”. In most of the cases, almost straightway. It was really tiring arguing with myself!

This was when I started my acceptance journey towards OCD. It took me a while to fully accept this new reality but it all started by these two little observations.

 

 

The perfect partner

Hello,

Hope everyone is enjoying the summer and doing a bit of mindfulness… 🙂 I don’t think I have covered the “perfect partner” issue from a rOCD perspective in previous posts so here it goes.It is also important for me to mention that I am not discussing cases of emotional and/or physical abuse. We are excluding these cases from this discussion.

 

There are two “lies” that rOCD tells when it comes to evaluating if we are in a relationship with the “perfect” partner:

No.1 If your partner was really meant for you, you would not be feeling any anxiety/having doubts, etc.

No.2 If only my partner had/did not have x, then he/she would be the perfect partner.

Before we go into more detail, we need to first think about what a perfect partner is. If our background is Western culture, then most often than not this notion would be based around the Hollywood myth that you just need to meet the “right” person and everyone will be happy ever after. Other things like education, social status might also be important. If we come from an Eastern or African culture, maybe we will be more concerned about acceptance within our own family and our partner’s family. The point is that there is no Universal definition of perfect partner. And there will never be.  Why? Because different people and cultures, value different things.

OK, now point no.1 – No.1 If your partner was really meant for you, you would not be feeling any anxiety/having doubts, etc. This type of thinking is quite common in rOCD sufferers. In this case, we think that the cause of the problem is basically external and not internal. And the risk here is that we will go from relationship to relationship, trying to find this perfect partner as we believe that this would lead to no anxiety. And to make matters worse, even those that are close to us reinforce this myth. “If x was really meant for you, you would not be feeling or doubting this way”. Having doubts is healthy. Having doubts all the time is unhealthy. At a certain point in the relationship, you will have to take a leap of faith. It happens in all relationships – even those people that do not suffer from rOCD! So if you find yourself questioning or stuck in an unhealthy way (I call this “spinning the wheels” and not getting to any conclusions), take this as further evidence of rOCD at work.

And No.2 If only my partner had/did not have x, then he/she would be the perfect partner. Getting fixated on certain physical or intellectual attributes to the point of creating even more anxiety, can also be quite common. The number one priority for the anxious OCD brain is to find faults in our partners as these are perceived as danger sources. The brain in its best attempt to protect us, ends up hurting us. So if you find yourself obsessing about a certain lack of something in your partner for a long period of time, take it as further evidence of OCD. I am not saying that you should ignore values that you consider important in a relationship.  I am saying that we need to better distinguish between essentials and non-essentials. What qualities are also important in 20, 30 and 40 years from now?

 

The bottom line is that no one is the “ready made” stuff when it comes to relationships. Success in a long term relationship depends very much wanting to become the perfect partner rather than finding the perfect partner. As a personal note, I have celebrated my 3rd year anniversary last Wednesday. In these 3 years, we have been through so much together, both good and bad. But our relationship is stronger today than it was 3 years ago. In the midst of my crazy rOCD period, I understood one thing: The person that I was going to propose to was willing to put the work in and so was I. Then, I gathered up the courage to ignore my rOCD and moved forward with faith.

 

 

Book available for purchase on iTunes

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Hi everyone,

Good news. After a long review process by Apple staff the book is now available on iTunes. Here is the link.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/love-you-love-you-not/id803442922?ls=1&mt=11

What is the difference between the blog and the book?

The book is written with a start, middle and an end in mind. It explains a process. Some of the content from the blog has been abridged, condensed and included in the book. New content has been created to explain this process better.

Why isn’t the book free?

Between my wife and I, we have spent more than 60 hours writing, editing and researching, learning how to use iTunes software, formatting pictures, etc. From the buyers perspective, the book costs around 15 dollars and the buyer will be paying less than 25 cents an hour for the labour. iTunes will keep 30% of any sales proceedings. We could also say that it costs 2 hours of someone’s salary on the minimum wage in the US. So, we believe that this is fair price and that people are getting a good deal.

Can I read it before I buy it?

According to iTunes policy, the first few pages of the book are free. You can have a good idea of how the book is structured and if it suits you. If you want to support this blog maintenance costs and future posts please buy the book! I am also sure that the book will be very useful to get you started on your recovery journey and it will help other people with rOCD understand the disease and make it more “real”.

What next?

After many interested e-mails we will focus on Skype counselling next. We would like to offer an alternative to people that cannot afford expensive therapy care.  Our goal is to empower you with enough tools for you to take on the recovery journey confidently.

UPDATE – PDF download.

After several requests here is the Paypal link for the book purchase. Send me your Paypal reference and I will email you the book within 24 hours or sooner. If you have any problems – email me at pingfrance@hotmail. I have tried to do a redirect from Paypal to the PDF but it is not working…

Happy 2014 – and other news.

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Happy New Year everyone! Hope everyone is doing OK and looking forward to 2014. I have great news in regards to the blog and book. The book is in its last stages and it will be available through iTunes very soon. The book is called “Love you, Love you not: breaking free from relationship OCD”. If there is enough demand I will work on a kindle version as well. There are 4 main chapters (with different subsections) in the book:

-Understanding rOCD

-Understanding Love

-Question and Answers (I have pooled anonymously all the questions that I have received  on personal email, in the past 18 months)

-Planning your recovery

Some material from the blog has been condensed and other material not on the blog added to the book. My wife has been helping me do this and I have been learning a lot from her in the process. She is also doing the final edit on the book.Not sure if I ever mentioned in any posts before but my wife has both a bachelors and post-graduate degree in Psychology. She is self-employed as a counsellor/life skills coach.  She has agreed to spend some of her time doing online Skype Counselling/life skills training for people in need. Her background and knowledge helped me a lot before we got married! This will be a paid service but I managed to get a discount from her  as many people have contacted me with difficulties either finding an appropriate therapist or being able to afford expensive care. Please drop me a line if you have any questions about this – pingfrance@hotmail.com

I am still trying to catch up on my backlog of emails but I will eventually reply to everyone that has written me! If you think that your email has slipped my net please email me again.

So, in summary:

1- the book will come out soon. Drop me a line if would like to see a kindle format as well.

2- Online Skype sessions will be available for those interested. These sessions will be run by my wife which is much more qualified than me!

3- Have a great 2014!